“its time to go” or “hear my heart break”

What happens when you love somebody with all of your heart?

When it lifts you higher and holds you tight?

home

is in their arms

cherish, treasured, safe and adored

yet

at the same time

he is secretive, dishonest, manipulative

and fucked up

and

you promised yourself you would not do this

 

 

get out of my house

you are a very good mimic

taking my words and twisting them around

until

your voice annoys the utter shit out of me

empty vessel, waste of space

get out of my house

and then you come up behind me

and hold me up

i lean into your body and i become softness

you whisper in my ears “i got you”

and i feel it

i feel like for the first time in a long time someone got me

understood the many complexities of me and

didn’t run away

and didn’t flinch or turn a blind eye

wasnt just interested in sex, my body, my status

the first time in a long time i was understood

and still adored

and then he takes drugs

and he forgets who i am

forgets how I feel

forgets to get me

and “I got you” means nothing

and you just know that you should never sleep in each others arms

because

you know that at night while you sleep,

whilst he holds you tight

your souls are laughing and dancing

and invisible threads entwine you

and when you should be turning away and locking the doors

hardening your heart

closing your arms

saying no more

get out of my house

the threads keep you believing in

I got you moments

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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24 years ago……

11665432_1136722866343632_7736139677949673244_nI was nineteen hours into labor and four hours away from meeting my first child. A baby having babies. My son was born 2:10am four days after I turned seventeen. I had read all the books and studied up on pregnancy and birth but nothing had prepared me for this. Contractions started three minutes apart and stayed that way. It was 3 am when I woke in agony, then attempted to go back to sleep only to be woken again. It was 4 am when Andrew, my then partner, attempted to tell me I was in labor. An hour later I finally conceded that maybe he was right. Our midwife (one of the most amazing woman I have ever met) informed us that baby was head down but facing the wrong way and so it begun.

Twenty three hours later I looked and felt like a war victim but there he was. In my arms. My first true love.

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Being a mother is one of the most amazing experiences, being a teenage mother is I guess a different amazing experience. In some ways I think it’s easier to have a child when you are young. I  had never worked and the last time I had a structured routine life was five years earlier. So bubs led and I followed. We ate together, slept together & played together regardless of what the time was. Contrary to my labor, motherhood was easy and the little crab and I thrived together.

On our first birthday I wrote this poem

The delicious sweet baby boy
The gurgling laugh for bright new toy
maternal instinct, unconditional love
a miraculous gift from above
the tender touch absolve new tears
rekindling confidence, rejecting fears
silken soft unblemished skin
perfect souls not yet in sin
the magic of those deep blue eyes
so young and clear yet so wise
1000 lessons in each new day
greater understandings in a greater way
the precious son and eager young mother
the wonders of nature the miracle of life
avoidance of danger, deliverance from strife
the tentative first steps come to soon
brought with the energy of cancer moon
talking then leaping and humming along
the lyrical words turn to meaningful song
she begins to dread that fateful day
as babyness is fading away
the invisible bond that holds them together
will remain for ever and ever

And now I have been a mother for twenty four years .

To Be Continued….

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Great Expectations Or Not

 New years resolutions? How to set yourself up for failure.

A couple of days before the end of the year the inevitable question starts being asked.

The magazine cover’s are full off  “How to make a better New Years resolution” or “3 New years resolutions to make a better you” and everybody wants to know what goals you are setting.

Now call me lazy and maybe I am but I am not a believer in New Years resolutions.

I believe in not setting myself up for failure, thank you very much.

My experience is life, in general, often disappoints. People, let you down, your job, it lets you down, your friends, well they let you down too. So I have become a great believer in Never Ever letting myself down.

If I am going to achieve anything then I will do it now. I will not create a list of things to meet in the New Year and then let myself down by not completing them. Please correct me if I am wrong but the majority of New Years resolutions are not realized. These are the usual “Quit Smoking, Drink less, Exercise more or Lose weight, Eat better, Start a sport” type of resolutions. Occasionally I hear of someone AWESOME who has made it their goal to save and travel and actually do travel. More often than not I hear the same resolutions coming from the same people year after year.

About three years ago I decided maybe I was being a cynical biatch and I should become more of a Happy New Year Happy New Year Resolution type[with a twist}. So instead of my usual “I don’t do resolution” response I came up with the “five year New Years Resolution time frame”. I told you there was a twist.

I have always loved the beach, the ocean and things like motor bikes and horse ridding so I decided I was going to learn how to surf. A worthy resolution. And something I still have not done {two years left}. This has of course reinforced my belief

I don’t do New Years Eve Resolutions or Great Expectations

I will not let myself down.

surfingsurfers--hawaii-surfing-yhkc0a0k

http://oceanlife.1pages.com/1600-x-1200-surfers-hawaii-surfing/thanks to these guys for the picture

post written in response to Blogging101 task

Writing 101 Day 19- Or what it means to turn forty

dancinglady


                             Happy Birthday To Me!!

Forty? I have been alive for Forty years. Some people put a big emphasis on how old you are. I am not one of those people. Some believe that at Forty you are half way there. Half way where? Is it a pit stop in this race we call life. Am I meant to slide in, thinking

phew I’m half way there as I pour a glass of water over my head to cool down, take a deep breath and keep on running. Half way to the end. Death.

Some believe that 40 is a milestone indicating that you are a lot closer to the end than you think. The hay days are over, time to slow down, check out your super options, make

those final mortgage payments and start researching the less strenuous sports in your neighborhood. Bowls sounds good as you pack up the tennis racket and running shoes.

Image result for running shoes

For others it’s a sign to do something outrageous. Your last chance to be young. Take The CEO who buys a shiny sports car and starts banging his pretty young secretary. He looks at himself smirking at his own reflection, “yes old boy, you may be forty but you can still pull the babes” insert pat on ones own back. Meanwhile said babe is hoping for that long-awaited pay rise, oh and maybe a better car park. She hates having to walk so far in those heals everyday.

Image result for red heels

Others start to panic, Oh No!! as they lament their lost youth, the wasted years, the money they didn’t save, the relationships they didn’t have, its to late, they are forty now, it’s all over. They drown themselves in their sorrow, then continue on as they always have only to do it all again at their fiftieth birthday.

Some forty-year olds think that OK they haven’t exactly looked after themselves but unlike their panicky peers they believe they still have time. Whilst their best mate is packing up his sporting goods they are signing up at the local gym. Scanning the internet for healthy eating ideas and reading books on Tai Chi, relaxation and yoga anyone?

Lots of single forty-year olds decide it’s definitely time to find a spouse. Been on any dating sites lately? Well I have and they are flooded with forty something year olds. Quick find a partner whilst you still can. I know a woman who hit Forty realized that she had not got around to having a baby and started having tons of sex hoping for a sperm to catch in the nick of time.

All of the above are commonly referred to as “The Mid Life Crisis” sound familiar. Yip, it’s that Mid again. Mid meaning the middle of our life, once again we are reminded that we are half way there. Half way where? Oh that’s right the end.

I however have a different view. I have always believed that the years we spend walking on this planet, the actual time period has no bearing on how ‘old’ u are. A young 20-year-old man, who I know and love dearly, happens to be one of the wisest people I know. Every word a pearl of wisdom.(love u son) A 40 something year old woman who dresses like a 14-year-old and plays with Furbys, bless her cotton socks (love u trailblazer)

I had my first son a week after I turned 17. Now i look back and think wow a baby having babies, far to young. Luckily for me and even luckier for baby I took to it like a duck to water, and there are just as many pros as there are cons to being a teenage mum {more of that to come in another rant]

My baby and me
My baby and me

I attended my year 12 pre formal drinks with my one year old son, I sat and smiled and sipped champagne as my friends discussed hair and makeup. i left before the limousine arrived feeling a whole lot older than my seventeen years. When I was twenty-two I found myself single with not one but two little guys who totally depended on me. My high school friends stopped calling, I was to busy thinking about money, teething, kindy gym, toilet training, money, time out chairs and controlled crying, to busy to offer a sympathetic ear to my beautiful twenty-two year old friend trying to decide what dress goes better with her new suede jacket Blue? or Green?

Now I am forty and I am trying to work out what I want to be when I grow up. The kids have left home and I feel like I have my whole life ahead of me. An amazing amount of metime to be who ever or whatever i want. I can also be found on occasion in dark noisy night clubs dancing with the other twenty year olds. And I am uming and arring about my new jacket Green? or  Blue?

S.C.A.T. Stop Child Abuse Australia Team

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Tomorrow morning I am participating in the S.C.A.T (Stop Child Abuse Team) protest march. We are walking for awareness, to protect all Australian children, to support survivors of child abuse and to remember the children that the Families SA system failed, the children who have died.

The fact that in this modern age thousands of Australian children are still suffering abuse is nothing less than horrific. On August the fourth the royal commission into South Australia’s child protection system delivered its final report to the South Australian Government. Supreme Court Justice Margaret Nyland led a two year inquiry into the states treatment of young people in its care.

http://www.news.com SA abuse inquiry delivers final report stated that:

“Many children in state care have been abused and neglected not only by their families but by the system that was supposed to protect them. It is time for that to change,” Ms Nyland said in a statement on Friday.
“It is time for all of us to work together to give all our children the life they deserve.”
Ms Nyland said some of her recommendations to the government should be actioned quickly to protect kids at risk of harm, while others would require longer-term planning.

Junction Australia chief executive Graham Brown said whatever the findings of the commission, the whole child protection sector must embrace change.
“It is not realistic to expect the state government to fix everything. We will all have to work together as a sector to fix the problems and get the system right,” the leader of the Adelaide-based child services provider said.
“We owe that much to the most vulnerable members of our community who rely on us, our children.” much to the most vulnerable members of our community who rely on us, our children.”

There have been calls for SA premier Jay Wetherill to resign and many Families SA workers have been sacked. The government must be held accountable.

So tomorrow we march to the steps of Parliament House to show the survivors of abuse that we do in fact care and to let our government know that we will not stand by and allow Australian children’s lives to be lost.

Sampson Flat Bushfires South Australia {part one}

adelaide now
image supplied from adelaide-now
Image from Tour Down Under article.wn.com
Image from Tour Down Under article.wn.com

On the 2nd January 2015 Adelaide, South Australia sweltered in the 44 degree heat (111.4 °F). Here in Adelaide we joke about the fact that we are living in the driest capital in the driest state in the driest country in the driest continent of the world. On the 2nd January it was no laughing matter.

I was lounging around a mates place when a post on Facebook asking for available horse floats to help evacuate alerted me. I live in the Adelaide hills so we decided to tune into the scanner and have a listen. With growing horror we listened to a CFS (country fire service) in action. On the 3rd of January the bushfire was declared a National emergency. Over 3000 fireman and 29 fire planes battled the blaze until finally on the 8th January it was brought under control.The fire blazed for 9 days, destroying 49000 acres(20000 ht) 27 houses, 900 livestock, 140 sheds and numerous cars, machinery and thousands of native animals.

Imagine for a moment a bushfire is heading your way, your wife, kids & the dog jump in the car and head down to safety, you decide to stay and try to protect your house, your horses and your cattle. After what is described as a your worst nightmare the fire has passed. Your house is safe but you have lost your sheds, your fodder store, your fences, cars and machinery. You had to let the horses go praying that they will run faster than the flames. About 100 cattle .have perished but 75 survived. There is no electricity, no phone coverage, no water. The police have put up road blocks so you can’t get out and no one can get in. You don’t know if your wife and kids have made it out safely and you can’t tell them that you are alive. You would love a glass of water and to wash the soot of your face.

Now imagine that this goes on for days

Even now, six months later, it brings a tear to my eye.

to be continued

bushfire-1

newscom
Image from news.com
naturalresourcec.gov
Image from naturalresource.gov

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