“its time to go” or “hear my heart break”

What happens when you love somebody with all of your heart?

When it lifts you higher and holds you tight?

home

is in their arms

cherish, treasured, safe and adored

yet

at the same time

he is secretive, dishonest, manipulative

and fucked up

and

you promised yourself you would not do this

 

 

get out of my house

you are a very good mimic

taking my words and twisting them around

until

your voice annoys the utter shit out of me

empty vessel, waste of space

get out of my house

and then you come up behind me

and hold me up

i lean into your body and i become softness

you whisper in my ears “i got you”

and i feel it

i feel like for the first time in a long time someone got me

understood the many complexities of me and

didn’t run away

and didn’t flinch or turn a blind eye

wasnt just interested in sex, my body, my status

the first time in a long time i was understood

and still adored

and then he takes drugs

and he forgets who i am

forgets how I feel

forgets to get me

and “I got you” means nothing

and you just know that you should never sleep in each others arms

because

you know that at night while you sleep,

whilst he holds you tight

your souls are laughing and dancing

and invisible threads entwine you

and when you should be turning away and locking the doors

hardening your heart

closing your arms

saying no more

get out of my house

the threads keep you believing in

I got you moments

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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24 years ago……

11665432_1136722866343632_7736139677949673244_nI was nineteen hours into labor and four hours away from meeting my first child. A baby having babies. My son was born 2:10am four days after I turned seventeen. I had read all the books and studied up on pregnancy and birth but nothing had prepared me for this. Contractions started three minutes apart and stayed that way. It was 3 am when I woke in agony, then attempted to go back to sleep only to be woken again. It was 4 am when Andrew, my then partner, attempted to tell me I was in labor. An hour later I finally conceded that maybe he was right. Our midwife (one of the most amazing woman I have ever met) informed us that baby was head down but facing the wrong way and so it begun.

Twenty three hours later I looked and felt like a war victim but there he was. In my arms. My first true love.

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Being a mother is one of the most amazing experiences, being a teenage mother is I guess a different amazing experience. In some ways I think it’s easier to have a child when you are young. I  had never worked and the last time I had a structured routine life was five years earlier. So bubs led and I followed. We ate together, slept together & played together regardless of what the time was. Contrary to my labor, motherhood was easy and the little crab and I thrived together.

On our first birthday I wrote this poem

The delicious sweet baby boy
The gurgling laugh for bright new toy
maternal instinct, unconditional love
a miraculous gift from above
the tender touch absolve new tears
rekindling confidence, rejecting fears
silken soft unblemished skin
perfect souls not yet in sin
the magic of those deep blue eyes
so young and clear yet so wise
1000 lessons in each new day
greater understandings in a greater way
the precious son and eager young mother
the wonders of nature the miracle of life
avoidance of danger, deliverance from strife
the tentative first steps come to soon
brought with the energy of cancer moon
talking then leaping and humming along
the lyrical words turn to meaningful song
she begins to dread that fateful day
as babyness is fading away
the invisible bond that holds them together
will remain for ever and ever

And now I have been a mother for twenty four years .

To Be Continued….

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Soul Stripping

When you remove the walls and deconstruct the barriers. When you loosen the binding straps of conditioning. When you release yourself from expectation, your own or others. When you no longer are directed by perception. When all the hurt,suffering & pain, real or imaginary is removed. Then the essence of you can be true. Soul Stripping.

Great Expectations Or Not

 New years resolutions? How to set yourself up for failure.

A couple of days before the end of the year the inevitable question starts being asked.

The magazine cover’s are full off  “How to make a better New Years resolution” or “3 New years resolutions to make a better you” and everybody wants to know what goals you are setting.

Now call me lazy and maybe I am but I am not a believer in New Years resolutions.

I believe in not setting myself up for failure, thank you very much.

My experience is life, in general, often disappoints. People, let you down, your job, it lets you down, your friends, well they let you down too. So I have become a great believer in Never Ever letting myself down.

If I am going to achieve anything then I will do it now. I will not create a list of things to meet in the New Year and then let myself down by not completing them. Please correct me if I am wrong but the majority of New Years resolutions are not realized. These are the usual “Quit Smoking, Drink less, Exercise more or Lose weight, Eat better, Start a sport” type of resolutions. Occasionally I hear of someone AWESOME who has made it their goal to save and travel and actually do travel. More often than not I hear the same resolutions coming from the same people year after year.

About three years ago I decided maybe I was being a cynical biatch and I should become more of a Happy New Year Happy New Year Resolution type[with a twist}. So instead of my usual “I don’t do resolution” response I came up with the “five year New Years Resolution time frame”. I told you there was a twist.

I have always loved the beach, the ocean and things like motor bikes and horse ridding so I decided I was going to learn how to surf. A worthy resolution. And something I still have not done {two years left}. This has of course reinforced my belief

I don’t do New Years Eve Resolutions or Great Expectations

I will not let myself down.

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http://oceanlife.1pages.com/1600-x-1200-surfers-hawaii-surfing/thanks to these guys for the picture

post written in response to Blogging101 task

The Activist inside Me

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I have always had opinions on political situations. Coming from a place like South Africa its hard not to.

I have however never acted on them, that is until now. In Australia we consider our country to be the “lucky one”I wrote about this on my 28th anniversary of being a “lucky” resident and I am going to re-post it here:

“Australia has been my home for  28 years today! I am grateful. I am blessed. Because even though our government is not lawful, our justice system is crooked, our police are corrupt, even though we have a hole in the ozone layer, we have less change at the supermarket, $20 petrol gets you to town for one day instead of to work for a week and water and electricity prices soar I am grateful I am blessed. This is the lucky country. I have electricity, when the sun sets I can still see, that expensive water?it flows hot and strong from my tap, I can go to a supermarket, variety. what choices, when I go outside I can see blue sky and breathe fresh air, I can walk down the road, I don’t need an oxygen mask, I don’t need to run and hide, there are no bombs falling from the sky and I will not be shot today, I am grateful I am blessed No wars, No famine, No extreme violence or poverty or pollution. This is Australia .I am Australian. 28 years ago today I arrived in this lucky country and yes the budget sucks but i think we all must agree as Australians we are blessed and I am grateful”

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Now I am still grateful & I am still blessed but and it’s a big BUT I am no longer prepared to blissfully turn a blind eye to what is happening in this lucky country of ours. Australians are known the world over for there laid back easy-going attitudes. The problem with this is our laid back easy-going attitudes are no longer working for us. We are so laid back and easy-going that we are not seeing what is happening to our lucky country right before our Eyes. In order for Australia to continue to be the Lucky Country, Australians must wake up. We must insist on keeping our Lucky Country way of life. We must stand tall and unite.

We must insist on maintaining our rights. So its off to protest I go.

 The repatriation Hospital is the only hospital in South Australia that takes care of our vets and no I don’t mean the animal caring sort I mean Our Veterans. Our Veterans who fought for all of us. Our Veterans who gave us this Lucky Country we so blissfully reside in.

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The SA Government wants to close this hospital down. Not Good Enough. So it’s of to protest I go

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Our internet neighbours

Blogging 101 day three tasks is meet your neighbours and follow 5 more blogs
Now anyone who knows me, knows that reading is one of my favourite things
I am never not reading a book
After todays scoot around other blogs I am in Awe.
So much wonderful information and so many
people baring their hearts & souls.
I may just have to take up blog reading and leave the books alone.
There are so many blogs i want to read and just not enough hours in the day.
So here’s 3 cheers to blogging and now Im off to read and follow some more

Me, a year later

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And so it begins

Blogging 101 – I do like the challenge

I started blogging last June and I really enjoyed it until life got in the way

This year I am going to make sure that nothing gets in the way and I complete all the tasks

Last year I wrote a blog about who I am, interested? You can read it here
Now 365 days later I write another blog about who i am

365 days, an eternity to a some

a heartbeat, a click of the finger, a blink of an eye

I am glad to say that there have been changes for without change there is no growth

I am nearly 41

I am becoming a political activist

I am joining like-minded people who share my dreams & goals

I am Australian

I read, I laugh, I write, I play

I dream, I try, I shy away

I grow, I learn, I hope, I pray

content to welcome each new day